From Isaac

God's tapestry of abundant care for us is revealed in many ways. The notes and stories sent to me are certainly part of this. The following is from my close-as-family and dear friend, Isaac.

hey aunt nancy, i got your letter and i loved it. i'm sorry i haven't written to you yet, i feel terrible, but i'm going to write this week to you! we're done in 1 and a half weeks, so everything's calmed down and we're being treated like soldiers now (but not infantrymen yet). now we get our phones every weekend and we don't get yelled at as much now. my parents just told me about your tumor, and i really wanted to reach out, and say i love you and i'll be praying for you so much. you've been so impactful to my family and to me, and i know you've been so important to so many other peoples lives. i remember so distinctly how sad i was when we were moving from WI because i knew we were leaving you and so many people behind. over the years, as i've matured and grown, i've realized how valuable you and Uncle Ken were to me personally. I have so many young memories formed with you guys, including a scar still on my ear from penny when i lay on her all those years ago. your love for Christ was always so overflowing, and though i may have been too young to see it, i know it affected me, whether through you directly or the impression you left on my parents that then was passed to me. your marriage with uncle ken was always an example for my parents, and myself. i wish i could've lived closer and still had you be very active in my childhood, but i'm beyond blessed to have been as close with you both as i was when we lived in Watertown. your strength in the Lord in the face of all types of adversity has always been a reminder to me of how important faith in God is, and this is no different. i believe the lord will be with you and your entire family during this. we have our final field exercise for these next two weeks, and i plan on seeing you in the near future following graduation. i'll be stationed in New York at Fort Drum, before my Brigade deploys. But, before that happens i'll make sure to pay you guys a visit at home. stay strong aunt nancy, and may the lord watch over you. Thank you for everything you've done for me and my whole family. love you

Costco card

Seeing the MRI image of the tumor in my head,
and in that moment, Ken became my caregiver,
but I didn't realize it yet.

Thirty minute phone call with a nurse for chemo education.

Chemo causes constipation so start a laxative.
Chemo is a poison, so only you can touch the pills.
It leaves my body, but is still a poison,
so close the lid and flush twice to rinse the toilet bowl.

Anti-nausea meds cause liver damage, so limit Tylenol.
Radiation causes fatigue, so get more exercise.
Hair loss, skin burns, brain sensitivity, emotional sensitivity.

Must have an empty stomach.
Two hours after eating supper, take anti-nausea meds.
Wait 1 hour, then take chemo.

So how do you feel about starting chemo?
Does it matter how I feel?

Find the least expensive pharmacy for chemo prescription.
I start chemo Sunday night. 

Christmas Eve day.
Didn't ever think of people going to Costco for chemo meds.
Didn't realize it was something we would go and buy ourselves.
Not everyone is getting a rotisserie chicken, or stocking up on toilet paper.

Buy Costco membership,
and find GoodRx prescription coupons.
From $5,000 down to $400,
$10 a day, every day, for 42 days of meds.
For a year.

Guess now I can have a Costco cake for my birthday.

“He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” - Philippians 1:6

Paul says, "I want you to know, brethren, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel …And most of the brothers, having become confident in the Lord by my imprisonment, are much more bold to speak the word without fear.” - Philippians 1:12

Dec 24, 2020 - The stark reality

Dec 24, 2020 - A cold contrast: Chemo meds and pizza from Costco. 

Word: Peace

Today, my intention is to rest in the “peace that passes all understanding” (Philippians 4:7). 

The last several days have been very difficult and emotionally stormy as I watch my parents grieve the loss of their daughter and my sister, precious Judy. As the upheaval intensifies, Mom and Dad face the reality of losing a second daughter, me, to my GBM brain cancer I named “Bittersweet”. I see Mom and Dad doing their best, holding fast as they weather these raging storms together, storms that batter their innermost being. But through this, I see God setting the anchor of their faith deep into God’s love for us. These storms, and the pain they bring, seem unbearable, but we don’t bear these storms alone. These are God’s storms.

Another raging storm is having to watch Ken deal with the pain of losing me.

Ken, I want to make your pain stop, but I know I cannot make it stop. I know I should not try to make your pain stop because I know that God is lovingly using these circumstances and these most difficult situations to work in both of our hearts. I continue to trust that He is using this pain for a higher purpose in each of us. 

A year ago, through very challenging personal circumstances, God gently pricked my heart with an awareness, something that He used to shine light and healing into some very deep corners of my heart. My codependency wants to kick in during these difficult times, but God has brought a new depth of understanding, and faith in His work, to free me from this life-long struggle. 

As these storms come and go, I continue to trust that He created me for purposes beyond my own limited understanding, and from this vantage, I trust that He is God, and I am not. Here, God speaks peace to my heart.

Psalm 139 - "You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand when I awake, I am still with you. If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty! They speak of you with evil intent; our adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

I love to personalize these verses from Philippians and Proverbs.

So I will rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  I will let my gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. I will not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, I will present my requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:4-7

I will trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding; in all my ways I submit to Him, and He will make my path straight. - Proverbs 3:5-6

This is where I find peace. 

Recent Photos

Dec 27, 2020 - Nancy, Alison, and Barb (NAB) for cake and coffee, and water ;-).

Dec 26, 2020 - Andrew, Sarah and Tim join us for Christmas weekend.

Dec 4, 2020 - Deb, Lauri, Glenn, Ken, Jean, Nancy

From Aniya

God's tapestry of abundant care for us is revealed in many ways. The notes and stories sent to me are certainly part of this. The following is from my dear friend, Aniya.

11/30/20: My dear friend, this news is terrible. I am so sorry to hear it and I want you to know I have adored and appreciated you in my life. I want to thank you for the sweet woodruff from you that grows prolifically in my garden. For the science microscope kit and rock collection, for the countless treasures, you bestowed to us during your move. But more so, to thank you for your immeasurable friendship. You counseled me when I contemplated getting a new job, right up to moments before my nervous interview. I love you and the love of a mother. I appreciate your candor all these years, your zest for life, your hope for the future.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow (during surgery) and hope to hear from you if you can somehow take visitors. Shelby and I are homeschooling and have no contact. (Covid safe)

Favorite memory! Our coworker, Ananda, went for a social hour and you were there too. You said I'll have what she's having, she ordered a double whiskey neat! You proved to me the way two seemingly very different people can be united by good. On paper perhaps, people would never have suspected my adoration for your religious, political, age differences, and yet here we are almost 15 years later a friendship that has prevailed. You brought out the better in me, you helped me to see things differently, and you gave me a conscience I never knew I had. You were the Nancy sitting on my shoulder asking, should you do that?

I have never been a person of faith, and I know you are, so I will say this, your faith has pervaded through you indirectly. In all the values of being a Christian, you helped elevate those around you.

All my love to you and Ken and the kids,

Aniya

Summer, 2019 at Elkhart Lake

Happy birthday dear Judy

This day should be my sister Judy's 65th birthday. This day, there is love and there is loss. I want to see Judy’s birthday wish list on her fridge. I want to see her quirky broken fingers. I want to hear what kind of cake she is having. I don’t want to feel the loss.

We celebrate Judy on her birthday, wherever we are in the country, with a newly created tradition to howl at the moon at 8:00 pm, Omro time. I hope my inner being doesn’t rip to pieces as I howl on my front porch and feel the pain and loss of my beautiful sister, but I will choose to trust God.

As I sit in my front-row seat, I watch God’s orchestration and know that in the musical score, accidentals are not. He conducts the masterpiece of the ages that tie all of us together in the experience of life. I embrace this part of the piece, though it is bitter, and I feel smad. I want another birthday with Judy, and I want another year to make sure her birthday doesn’t get lost in the Christmas rush.

Let me give you a little background about Judy's personal story of faith in Christ. Judy was pretty private, so I wonder how many people she has shared this with. If it weren't for our annual Ladies Retreats and weekends away, I probably never would have even asked her.

As children, our parents faithfully traipsed the six of us to church every week. Here, surrounded by loving volunteer teachers and lively kids praise songs, we learned about God, the Creator of heaven and earth. Judy told me that in a little Sunday school classroom she heard the story of Jesus dying on the cross for our sins and personally owned up that she needed a savior. In her pragmatic way, she became a committed believer in her elementary years.

This summer, Judy asked if she and I could start doing a daily devotional together on the YouVersion Bible app because she was really struggling with the pandemic. Over many weeks, and many different studies, she shared some realizations that I want to write about because, although we lost Judy, we can still honor her voice.

In August, as the pain of Judy’s broken vertebra took our attention off of comfort, and increased our attention on the eternal, she wrote: 

"I guess I have been rejected by the world of healthy bodies. Apparently, God needs me to experience that. I tend to put too much importance on my comfort.  For instance, I just had things all set - retired, empty nest, money to travel, house to come home to. I thought I was also serving... Sunday School, Trustees, attending church kids events, helping with grandkids, following up on several people who need support, etc. Apparently, I am not seeing the big picture. God has my attention now!  Lead me through this!”  

As she tried to find some relief from her constant pain with different braces for her spine, she personalized the verse in Deuteronomy leaning into the brace to give her strength and courage.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” - Deuteronomy 31:6

Judy’s cancer diagnosis came in September. As we worked through a devotional about heaven, she had an “aha moment” about how pragmatic she has been. She wrote:

"You know, I cannot remember a time when I did not feel God's love and acceptance.  All the promises and the list of affirmations have always been so obvious to me - like saying the sky is blue.  I have just started to realize that it is not that way for everyone.  So, I have had this amazing gift for decades. Now I am starting to feel like I was supposed to be doing something more with that.    Listening…”

She liked to wait on God and see how He would answer her questions. She was regrettably convinced that she should have used more words to share her faith with her family.

“It’s a bit scary. God has me where he wants me, so I had better get about doing the work I agreed to do!”

I agreed with her. “May God use every bit of your pain to influence others to trust Him more!  In the same way that He has your attention, He has others' attention.  We are all asking questions. May we all find answers that give us eternal hope and peace.”, I said. Little did I know, I too would soon be walking down this same path, and hopefully following her example of accepting God’s plan, with grace.

She realized the simplicity of trusting in Him as she wrote,

“God does not want more from us,  he wants more for us - he wants us to benefit from His presence more.”

When she took her last breath, she was surrounded by family that raised up a cheer as she made her way into the presence of the Lord!

So I wonder, how is it that I made a record of the beautiful thoughts Judy expressed from her heart, saved on a document that I can share, to honor Judy's precious voice. Is that God’s orchestration? What an amazing gift.

Happy birthday dear Judy, happy birthday to you!

Oct 17, 2020 - Lauri, Judy, and Nancy

From Tammy L

God's tapestry of abundant care for us is revealed in many ways. The notes and stories sent to me are certainly part of this. The following is from my dear friend, Tammy.

As I’m reading the final Book in my Favorite Book-The writer, John, is also reminding us to FINISH WELL. Now you, beloved, are our 20th-century reminder🙂. Rev.1:9 tells us ‘he was exiled for preaching about Jesus’. I wondered, what can this fine man do-now that he is exiled. WELL LET ME TELL YOU, perhaps some of his best writings were done during the most trying times this apostle ever faced. The words of exhortation & encouragement have spoken loudly through generations. Patmos was perhaps his best platform. THEN, I prayed for you~ God has given you a new/untraveled platform~cancer. This could be your greatest mission. You are shining! You are Finishing well! Your words will live on. THANK YOU for being my teacher. But dear friend, God could give you a marathon-many miles ahead. He is not finished yet. Lace-up those shoes-keep stepping with JESUS. “BLESSED ARE THE FEET OF THOSE WHO BRING GOOD NEWS!” (You have Good smelling feet)🦶You have an army of friends walking with you. You do not travel this path alone❤️~Tammy

Bucket List

I’ve always been a fan of the bucket list. Before brain cancer, putting something on a bucket list was more of making a commitment to a tradition, like reading a story at every Christmas. But today brought a new perspective, with a new bittersweet I didn’t foresee.

With excited intention, I put two things on my bucket list to do this weekend with Des, Auggie, and Isla. As I look forward to the time we will share together, one item on the list is reading Twas the Night Before Christmas. I searched and found three copies of this little book in my collection, confirming the importance of this story in my own tradition of celebrating Christmas. I fell in love with this story and memorized it as a child. Now I want to share my love for these words and rhythm, along with many other things about this story, with my most cherished people.

Tonight, we joined our voices in reading the story, exploring the words as I shook my belly “like a bowl full of jelly”. We had a delightful time together, and the sweetness of this moment filled my heart and soul. Tonight, I choose to be thankful and savor the sweetness of this time I shared with the kids. I wonder what Ken, Andrew and Tim heard while listening in from the next room. I wonder what their memory of this will be.

Later, as Ken and I lay in bed saying good night, he asked me how my day was. Bam! Reality hit with a flood of bitter sadness. Unable to sleep through my lonely sobbing, at 1:30 AM I sat at the kitchen table, freezing cold, with sore, dry eyes writing this. I choose to be honest and savor the bitter reality that it may not happen again next year.

I pray, "God, how do I do this well?".

Tomorrow I want to make more memories with the grandchildren as we recreate the scene from Luke chapter 2 of the first nativity. I want to share how much these figures, the men, the camels and sheep, and of Mary and Joseph, and Baby Jesus, all mean to me.

This nativity set, which my dear mom and I painted together for sixteen weeks, when I was in middle school, carries the simplicity of eternal perspective that is my most cherished value. Ken later added a beautiful wood stable at a time of wonderful memories when Andrew was just a toddler. 

So while we unpack, and arrange, and rearrange the pieces, I want to hear all of their thoughts and questions about the meaning of Christmas. I want to hear them think, and ponder, and explore!

Grieving the bittersweet is changing me every day. What do I feel? Sadness, and thankfulness, but resolve. It's time to check that off the bucket list. That may have been it, a one time deal. I may not get to do that again next Christmas. Now, I hope I can get some sleep.

"But I heard him exclaim

As he drove out of sight

Happy Christmas to all

And to all a goodnight."

Clement Clarke Moore, The Night Before Christmas

Dec 20, 2020 - Nancy, Auggie, Isla, and Des set up the Christmas Nativity 

God Alone

To understand where you are, understand where you've been. History can be the most effective teacher.

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me." - Revelation 3:20. 

God 

When I was just a young boy around three years old, our family of four went to the Christmas Eve Service at the Old North Church in Boston. Inside, I noticed a man behind the pulpit who was reverently dressed in special garb, and the words he spoke, though I didn't comprehend them, seemed of utmost importance to those attending, as I saw the stillness of attention given him by everyone there. I heard him speak, "God is...", "God is...". In this, God spoke gently to my heart, letting me know He was there, letting me know His name, and letting me know He was waiting for me.

As I sat quietly in the church pew, soaking in all the sights, sounds, the Christmas time and old-building fragrances around me, I noticed a book, a special book this reverent man was holding. I saw this was a very special book; he was holding it with both hands against his chest. This book seemed to be the center of attention to all attending. And there next to me was another book just like his. It was covered in old leather and had two golden words, faded and worn, written on the cover. I wasn't sure what it said, but I carefully studied their calligraphic shapes.

The summer before I began 4th grade, God knocked again while finishing our fifth move. From Cochituate, to Framingham, Massachusetts, then to Los Angeles, then Cleveland, and back again to Acton, Massachusetts. As my father and I were unpacking his many boxes of books and placing his books in the living room bookshelves, one book, a small, leather covered one I removed from the box drew my attention. It was the same book I had seen for years on his bookshelf, but never took such notice. And it looked so similar to the one at Old North Church years ago.

As I handed this book to dad, I asked him, "What is this book?". My father was a brilliant man, both college educated and a self-taught intellectual. As time passed, I thought my father knew just about everything because of the way he spoke, and the way he provided such detail on whatever the subject matter was. To me, he was the smartest man I knew. But to my question, Dad answered, "That is called the Holy Bible, a history book about a man that lived a long time ago. Really just a history book.". 

My world suddenly became still and peaceful. In my mind, I watched a gap form between my father and me. A gap with wisdom, knowledge, and understanding on one side, and my father on the other side. These words, these words from my brilliant father, I felt in the deepest heart of mine were not true. God somehow spoke to me then, quietly knocking, reminding me He was here. This is God himself, the character of God revealed in this book, and my father, as smart as he was, can't see this. Why?

Alone

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD" - Jeremiah 29:11-14a

Some days later, my world again came to a stop, this time much more tangibly. My sister Sue and I were both called up to my parents bedroom. I saw the seriousness and felt the weight of gravity even before words were spoken. Then the words came. "Your mother and I are getting a divorce", said my father. Sue asked what this meant. They explained the coming separation and divorce to us, then told us to go outside. 

Sue and I went out to the backyard picnic table. As I sat on the bench trying to comprehend what just happened and how my world was about to drastically change, Sue was frantically pacing, crying, "What are we going to do?! Who's going to take care of us?!". As I sat there, I could hear mom and dad arguing. Sue was crying hysterically and was completely out of control. Dad was leaving, Mom was deeply distraught, and Sue was not capable of rational thought. It was then I realized, I am alone.

Feeling I was very alone, over time, I began making life-long commitments, believing no one is going to take care of me, so I have to take care of myself. I can trust no one to care for me. If something is going to be done about a situation, I will need to do it myself. I must be independent. And because my father always treated me and spoke to me as though I were stupid, I must be sure I never look stupid; I must be sure I am right by thoroughly investigating the facts. These, and many more life commitments shaped me for the next 47 years.

Many life situations proved these commitments were necessary for my survival. Snowmobile riding with a "friend" on a sub-zero day and dumped in a farm field only to walk home over a mile through 2 to 3 feet of snow. Then as a young teenager, molested by Tom, my neighbor and Big Brother program "dad" and no one doing anything about it. Having my leg broken by a reckless kid, leading to two surgeries and a year in a cast, among many other stories.

In 1976, after a severe car accident, I was invited to hear Nicky Cruz at St Lawrence Stadium in Appleton, Wisconsin. At this very broken time of my life, God drew me to himself and showed me my need for Him. I accepted God's forgiveness for my sin through the death and resurrection of his son, Jesus Christ. I became a born again Christian. My life didn't change much and I still felt very alone, but now God was inside the door.

Years later, as a cop, I was left alone on a traffic stop with five suspects, three warrants, and handgun ammo on the left rear passenger floor. Left alone because my assisting officer didn't know his search and seizure doctrine and disagreed with me searching the entire car for a handgun, so he left the scene. Many situations of my life in jeopardy made for thick callouses to build.

One day at a plane crash, I found myself very alone. Helpless to get a conscious woman in the back seat out of the burning plane, she and I had a brief moment together before the consuming fire took hold. I found I could not turn my back and leave her there alone to face what was quickly coming, her death. We looked at each other, then I watched her life, and the lives of the other two, ending. Many more death investigations, and many other violent incidents were yet to come. My life commitments to trust no one, and to make my own way, were now failing me and leaving me desperately alone.

For the next 19 years, PTSD, depression, and difficulty with relationships were the norm, and then I started drinking. I struggled to maintain control, but all the good intentions I had failed. In direct violation of my own life-long commitments, I was not in control. In 2016, I contracted Lyme disease at work, and the severe pain, fatigue, and memory/cognitive issues lead me to retire. One shotgun suicide and two drownings at work pushed my PTSD and depression to a head, which led to four months of inpatient treatment in a PTSD hospital unit. It was a time of deepening trouble, still spiraling downward, just like my marriage, having been in crisis for years, but now in danger of ending.

God Alone

September of 2019, God knocked on my door again, but this time sent a Vietnam combat veteran with PTSD to come have a chat with me. Long story short, God used this humble veteran and retired pastor to gently show me my self, my sin, and God's grace. My marvelous God, my Lord and Savior Christ Jesus, and His comforting Holy Spirit began a work in my life, drawing me to Himself, bringing healing to my life, and to our marriage. I gave God my drinking and He removed it from me, instantly; God's hand at work, in me. 

Through this, I came to the knowledge and understanding that I am never alone, because God's Holy Spirit indwells me and keeps me. I now know, I truly am never alone. God is with me, always, and He will never leave me or forsake me! God, alone.

Alone with God

And now God is bringing Nancy and I to a new place, with new experiences to share, and emotions of unexplored depth. Later, and all too soon, Nancy will go on as God calls her home. Then I will be alone. Having learned a very profound lesson about being alone, taught in such a way that only God can orchestrate, I know God is always with me as Nancy and I continue our walk on this bittersweet journey. Alone, with God.

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Recent Photos

Dec 17, 2020 - Carolyn came over for a hug and a little fellowship. Love you, Carolyn!

Dec 17, 2020 - Julie brought over sweet potato shepherds pie wearing red cowboy boots! (Julie was wearing the boots, not the shepherds pie) Sweet!

Word: Opportunity

This one is going to be a little blunt so have a seat or read it tomorrow if you're feeling fragile. 

For my age group of 51 to 60 years, the average survival time after being diagnosed with a GBM brain tumor is 12 months. For all age groups combined, 25 people out of 100 live 15 months; 4 in 100 live five or more years. These statistics are difficult, but necessary to embrace in order to stay on the informed side of reality and “number my days that I may have a heart of wisdom” (Psalm 90:12).

So while I was caring for my sister Judy in November, her final days of dealing with the pain of her cancer, I cried to God, “Why Judy? Why, God, would you allow this to happen?” But somehow God moved me from “cancer sucks” to seeing God forging an opportunity. This opportunity is two-fold; to watch God work through Judy’s cancer, and second, to acknowledge that God is at work in the lives of family and friends. Although she struggled with having no choice, Judy realized that cancer was God's way of calling her home, her time to go to heaven.

Odds are this cancer is also my two-fold opportunity; to watch God continue orchestrating in the lives of all the people I love and care about so dearly, and second, my opportunity to pass from life as we know it, and move into eternity. While Ken and I are spending our time together, we live each day to the fullest, enjoying the new pace, following the recommended therapies and treatments, and unfolding our story to share with you. I plan to make the most of every opportunity and not limit what God is doing.

Bittersweet Update

December 15, 2020

Our appointments with oncology, radiology, and neurology provided confirmation of the diagnosis, prognosis, and a path forward. The tumor is a typical grade 4 glioblostoma multiform, cancerous astrocytoma. The treatment for Nancy will be radiation and chemotherapy, as anticipated. 

As you can imagine, this is emotionally difficult to deal with. I find myself wrestling with God about what is to come, and why Nancy and I both have no choice in this matter. And I may continue to wrestle with God over this until I am exhausted and can wrestle no more; I am broken.

But God, in His grace and mercy, with His everlasting love, will hold us, and comfort us, and be our everything, because He is.

As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him. We must work the works of him who sent me while it is day; night is coming, when no one can work." - John 9:1-4

Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?" - Matthew 16:24-26

A voice cries: “In the wilderness prepare the way of the LORD; make straight in the desert a highway for our God. Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low; the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places a plain. And the glory of the LORD shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together, for the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”

A voice says, “Cry!” And I said, “What shall I cry?” All flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades when the breath of the LORD blows on it; surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever.

Go on up to a high mountain, O Zion, herald of good news; lift up your voice with strength, O Jerusalem, herald of good news; lift it up, fear not; say to the cities of Judah, “Behold your God!” Behold, the Lord GOD comes with might, and his arm rules for him; behold, his reward is with him, and his recompense before him.

He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand and marked off the heavens with a span, enclosed the dust of the earth in a measure and weighed the mountains in scales and the hills in a balance? Who has measured the Spirit of the LORD, or what man shows him his counsel? Whom did he consult, and who made him understand? Who taught him the path of justice, and taught him knowledge, and showed him the way of understanding?

Behold, the nations are like a drop from a bucket, and are accounted as the dust on the scales; behold, he takes up the coast lands like fine dust. Lebanon would not suffice for fuel, nor are its beasts enough for a burnt offering. All the nations are as nothing before him, they are accounted by him as less than nothing and emptiness. 

To whom then will you liken God, or what likeness compare with him? An idol! A craftsman casts it, and a goldsmith overlays it with gold and casts for it silver chains. He who is too impoverished for an offering chooses wood that will not rot; he seeks out a skillful craftsman to set up an idol that will not move. 

Do you not know? Do you not hear? Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth? It is he who sits above the circle of the earth, and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers; who stretches out the heavens like a curtain, and spreads them like a tent to dwell in; who brings princes to nothing, and makes the rulers of the earth as emptiness.

Scarcely are they planted, scarcely sown, scarcely has their stem taken root in the earth, when he blows on them, and they wither, and the tempest carries them off like stubble. 

To whom then will you compare me, that I should be like him? says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes on high and see: who created these? He who brings out their host by number, calling them all by name; by the greatness of his might and because he is strong in power, not one is missing.

Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, “My way is hidden from the LORD, and my right is disregarded by my God”? Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. - Isaiah 40:3-31

Recent Photos

Dec 15, 2020 - Stitches are out, so it's "Rawlings" no more!

Dec 15, 2020 - Alison joins us with dinner she prepared with Barb, Bruce and Kathy. Mmm! Thank you all!

Dec 16, 2020 - A run on the beach... and into the camera man.

The Unfolding

 Monday, August 31

Optometrist for prescription change but still having difficulty with vision.

Nancy's hand coming into her peripheral vision is startling her.

Friday, September 11-13

Nancy to Janell's for the weekend

Tuesday, September 15

Nancy picks up Hans in Milwaukee and has a late night drive home with a headache.

Friday, September 19-20

Nancy drives to Oshkosh to help Judy.

Thursday, October 1

Optometrist gives a different prescription but it doesn't seem to help

Stress building with continuing vision problem, COVID mask fogging glasses, Judy's illness.

Friday, October 9-11

Women's retreat with Carloyn

Monday, October 12

Headache and dizzy at school so Nancy called Ken to pick up and drove home slow.

Thursday, October 15-18

I drove to Oshkosh to help take care of Judy over the weekend.

"Driving to Judy's, my car began veering to the right. I tried to correct, but the car kept veering off. Looking down, I saw my left hand was holding the door handle, not the steering wheel. What is going on?!"

Driving back from Judy's, Nancy ran a red light.

Monday, October 19

Nancy tried to drive to school, but found she could not drive safely. "My arms felt weirdly heavy". She turned around and carefully drove back home and called in sick.

Monday, October 19 - First Call

Virtual doctor appointment results in diagnosis of stress and two weeks off work.

Nancy feels it's no longer safe for her to drive.

Ken drove Nancy to Plymouth to get her new glasses.

Friday, October 23-25

Andrew and kids here

Monday, November 2 - Second Call

Virtual doctor appointment results in more time off for stress.

Thursday, November 5

Hauling branches at Hans's, Nancy is tripping and running into trees.

Ken drove Nancy to pick up Chromebook from CGBHS.

Friday, November 6-15

Ken drove Nancy to Oshkosh so she could help care for Judy. Seeing deficits increasing, Nancy was trying to evaluate her body every day. She decided to see if she could still run. She sat down to put on and tie her shoes, but as she finished, she saw her left shoe was tied but not on her foot. She did go running, making it to the fire hydrant and back. All week she was dropping things, she fell out of bed, she was running into doorways, her left elbow was tipping plates on the table.

Sunday, November 15

Ken picked up Nancy in Oshkosh.

Monday, November 16 - Third Call

Virtual doctor appointment with Dana resulting diagnosis is stress and prescription for SSRI

Thursday, November 19

Both to HGR to work on gates. Ken was watching Nancy closely. Nancy was walking very slow, with full left side deficits. This can't be just stress.

Saturday. November 21

Tim came over while Ken was at HGR telling Tim don't leave Nancy alone.

Monday, November 23 - Fourth Call

Ken asked Nancy to call the doctor and received neurology referral for December 4

Tuesday, November 24

At Mark in Brookfield and drove home in rain, dark, lights, Nancy nausea and bad headache, left side deficits worse.

Wednesday, November 25 - Fifth Call

10:15 AM - I called Froedtert Milwaukee to see neurologist now. 

10:45 AM - I drove Nancy to the Emergency Room at Froedtert Hospital, Milwaukee.

11:45 AM - Admitted to the ER. After going through a few evaluations, one neurologists seemed to agree with the previous stress diagnosis, however, I disagreed and explained I wanted scans taken. An MRI with contrast was taken.

6:27 PM - We learned Nancy had a significant brain lesion in the right frontal parietal lobe and were shown some of the slides from the MRI. This diagnosis explains her increasing left side proprioception deficits. The tumor was tentatively diagnosed as a grade 4 glioblastoma multiform tumor, and it is terminal. Shocked by the finding, we both realized we are at the apex of a very significant, life-changing event. Next, a CT scan of the torso was done and several minor lesions were found in lungs and liver. Nancy was then admitted inpatient to Neurology ICU for observation.

Monday, November 30

7:30 AM - IMRI brain surgery with Dr Wade Mueller and team to remove as much of the tumor as possible.

2:10 PM - Tim and I met with Dr Mueller. The surgery went "very well". The lab confirms the tumor as a grade 3 or 4 astrocytoma, and it is cancerous. We will know more about the astrocytoma once the pathology reports are complete, but for now, we understand the dysfunctions are the result of damage the cancer is causing to this area of her brain. The deficits will increase over time, if left unchecked. The chemotherapy and radiation treatments, then, are administered to help slow - and hopefully stop - the deficits and the cancer's progress.

4:00 PM - Nancy is out of surgery and moved to recovery.

5:29 PM - I see Nancy in recovery, sitting up and talking almost non-stop. The nursing staff are all enjoying her comments and chuckling. It was great to see and hear her!

Thursday, December 3

2:00 PM - Released from Froedtert Hospital to go home.

Recent Photos

Dec 13, 2020 - Tim, Matt and Malorie come over for a visit and a walk down to the beach.

Dec 13, 2020 - Yup, a little goofy sometimes!

In the Quiet, God Speaks

"Hand I Hold" - artwork by @sfale_designs

In the quiet, God speaks

In the softness of the rain, God nurtures

In the companion, God consoles

In the raging waves, God shows His strength

In the warm sun, God brings His light

In the deep dark forest, God whispers

In the pain of life, God calls

In the written word. God enjoins

In the soft heart, God reveals himself

In the soul, God breathes life

In death, God calls us home

poem by Kenneth Mitchell Severn

Recent Photos

Dec 12, 2020 - Judy Sanderson blessed Nancy's day with a sweet visit!

Dec 12, 2020 - Tim came over for some time with Mom (and help look for Karen's Christmas tree)

God's Mark

On Saturday, December 5, 2020 Nancy and I were home with Tim, Andrew, and our three grandchildren, enjoying time together and taking care of Nancy's needs. While we were around the kitchen table, a somehow familiar truck pulled into the driveway. As I made my way to the garage and out the door, I realized this was my good friend, Mark Baumann, that I haven't seen in a long time.

Mark!, I yelled, feeling blessed to see him. We greeted, then it was suddenly quiet. With my head swimming with thoughts an emotions from the last ten days, I asked, "Why are you here?". What a stark moment, a seemingly cold thing to ask, but I felt compelled to ask. He said, "I don't know, but I strongly felt God telling me to come see you.". "So you don't know about Nancy, do you?", I asked, and then invited Mark to come in and talk.

Mark graciously allowed me to express some thoughts I've been holding about Nancy's brain cancer, and Mark caught me up on his life. In this, God quietly reminded me that everyone has needs, much like me. Lord, help me to love others as you love me!

What a blessing it is to be with the friends that God has brought into my life. What a blessing, directly from God, delivered in the most tangible way! God is so good to care for our (my) every need, and to do so in such meaningful ways. Our God is an awesome God!

- Ken

Mark Baumann randomly drove to our house, not knowing about the cancer. I listened to them talk in the living room and realized how awesome God is taking care of Ken’s needs in every way. The extra bonus is that Mark's son, Ryan, and his wife Jessica, and all their family are praying for us, and now, leaning in as we travel on this bittersweet journey.

-Nancy

The wonderful children of Ryan and Jessica Baumann

Names and photo used with permission

smad

Dec 5, 2020 - Grandchildren August, Isla, and Desmond hang the Christmas wreath on the woodshed

I got the best gift from August Henry. He made up a word for me.

smad

verb

Being both sad and mad. 

"I'm so smad about this cancer nonsense!"

Origin: Oostburg, Wisconsin by August Henry Severn

 Names and photo used with permission

Word: Honesty

Words are sacred and holy. Words are one of God's ways to gently prick our hearts and trickle light and healing into every corner of our hearts. Each day I choose one word to represent my intention for that day. Over the past year, this practice has brought amazing focus to my life. 

I have a need to push aside the curtain of denial and use honesty to face my reality, a little at a time.

As Ken grocery shops at Piggly Wiggly, I sit in the car and wait, too tired to join him. Ken left the car running to keep me warm. After five minutes, I turned the car off so I wouldn't waste gas. As I continue to wait, the car begins to get cold and the clock seems to slow. Here I sit, unable to do something as simple as restart the car, then wonder if I will ever drive again. That seems like a bitter thought, but I feel emotionless about it right now.

While I wait, I evaluate each person I see and compare my longevity to theirs. I watch all the busy people coming and going in their cars, enjoying things while striving to stay alive. This is as it should be; life is meant to be enjoyed. That older man, buying two cases of Coke, has lived longer than I have. That lady is about the same age as me, and that stern-looking woman is a little older. 

A little boy riding in a shopping cart delights in the flash of tail lights on the car. His young mother gets to enjoy all the coming years of being a mom, the years I cherish so much in my life. By her reaction to his little star-hand reaching out, I can tell she is on track for many happy days to come. I hope I get to see my daughter's children. She's going to be an amazing mother.

Then I see my dear friend dropping off a package at the UPS Store, probably for her son who is now at Fort Benning. His Turning Blue ceremony is this week, having completed the Advanced Infantry Training. He's dating a gem of a girl from high school, a girl I've adored for many years. I'm so happy for them. I wonder if I'll make it to his wedding some day. 

Though all this feels a little bleak and gray, my intention is to be honest today. Here's the bitter truth. As I watch, I peacefully accept that I've had 58 blessed years on God's green earth and I will not be growing old here. Yet, I feel so young and full of life, with no concern of what the mirror says. Besides, as everyone knows, I have many pranks yet to bless others with. That's the bitter truth, and to be honest, that's what is sweet.

I Can Hear Love

I hear Ken moving around the house doing all of my care, and I can hear love in his movements. His heart is full.

2 Corinthians 4

The Light of the Gospel

4 Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart. 2 But we have renounced disgraceful, underhanded ways. We refuse to practice cunning or to tamper with God's word, but by the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to everyone's conscience in the sight of God. 3 And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. 4 In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. 5 For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. 6 For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

Treasure in Jars of Clay

7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 8 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10 always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. 11 For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 12 So death is at work in us, but life in you.

13 Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, 14 knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. 15 For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly

Elon, I also had a "rapid unscheduled disassembly".

My 6:00 PM medications include a steroid to help reduce brain inflammation. Last night, the drug's side effects were probably my darkest storm cloud yet, but Ken held me through it all. 

After the emotional storm passed, I asked Ken to take me downstairs to work on the PT skills checklist with things like balancing, skipping, hopping, and jumping. He graciously got out of bed and spotted me, teaching me step-by-step in relearning these skills. I also did a long arm hang on the fitness machine. I can do it, and it feels super good.

Just picture this 58 year old broken body, wearing "dog tired" pajamas and a pink Carhartt knit hat I got from a mystery sender, being taught to jump again like a stiff, clumsy toddler. Driving myself, over and over, I did maybe 15 reps until I broke out in a sweat. The only redeeming visual might have been the pink Carhartt hat I have been wearing to bed every night, finding some comfort with it for my head.

Afterwards, Ken took me back upstairs, like this is the new normal we were destined for, then we head back to bed. I didn't have any more storm clouds in the night, but a 1:00 AM pillow evaluation, and some dark-of-night conversation together finally closed the day.

This one will probably linger in my thoughts for a while.

Recent Photos

Dec 10, 2020 - A short visit from our good friend Dr Hans Juttner

Names and photo used with permission

Reality and the Matrix

Dec 9, 2020 - First day of PT at Froedtert Hospital, Mequon

On our arrival, Ken patiently filled out the flurry of paperwork on the clipboard with me. While speaking with the PT, we learned that visits could be changed to virtual if I am feeling too exhausted from my chemo and radiation appointments, which start next week. Bam! Kick it up a notch! Savor the bitter flavor of that reality.

After PT, we enjoyed the 53 degree weather by walking around the Froedtert Hospital parking lot, and even did a little off-roading on a small grassy hill. A small caramel frappe ended today's visit to Mequon. When we got home, we walked to the beach, picked up some beautiful stones, and trotted all the way to the bird house. It's going to take some time to get my left side back in the matrix.

We both savored this sweet experience as everything actually felt good in this moment. We committed ourselves to making more of these special beach moments together, as time and weather allow.

Overwhelm Party

Dec 8, 2020 - Tokens of love lavished on this lovely woman. God bless you all! - Ken

Reckless Love

Lyrics to the song by Cory Asbury

Before I spoke a word, You were singing over me
You have been so, so good to me
Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me
You have been so, so kind to me

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine

I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me

You have been so, so good to me

When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me

But You have been so, so kind to me

And oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine

And I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

 

There's no shadow You won't light up

Mountain You won't climb up

Coming after me

There's no wall You won't kick down

Lie You won't tear down

Coming after me

There's no shadow You won't light up

Mountain You won't climb up

Coming after me

There's no wall You won't kick down

Lie You won't tear down

Coming after me

There's no shadow You won't light up

Mountain You won't climb up

Coming after me

There's no wall You won't kick down

Lie You won't tear down

Coming after me

There's no shadow You won't light up

Mountain You won't climb up

Coming after me

There's no wall You won't kick down

Lie You won't tear down

Coming after me

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine

And I couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

Songwriters: Caleb Culver / Cory Asbury / Ran Jackson
Reckless Love lyrics © Bethel Music Publishing, Essential Music Publishing

Recent Photos

Dec 8, 2020 - Enjoying a delicious meal provided by our friend, Michelle Richardson.

Psalm 91:2

I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in Him will I trust. - Psalm 91:2

The last several days have been filled with emotions, with love, with deep contemplation of what life is, with tears, and with smiles. In it all, God's hand is constantly being revealed, some in the internal things of the heart, and others through relationships built on the foundation of our faith in Jesus Christ. Each day that passes, it is clear that, "...all things work together for the good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose" - Romans 8:28.

Nancy is doing very well at home. She is in the process of re-learning daily life skills that are so easily taken for granted. Life is different now, and that's alright. As she prepares for the next phase of care, the dross of life is being skimmed away, revealing her most valuable character qualities, and a brokenness that only God could bring through His orchestration of these events. And all for the purpose of drawing both of us towards dependence on God as our true source of life.

The fruit, bearing on this branch, with all life coming from the vine.

God has been preparing both of us for the last year or so through many trying situations. In this, He has brought wonderful healing to our marriage relationship through some very difficult trials. Though it has been difficult, purity comes only through the furnace. In the end, the most beautiful, pure gold remains. May God continue His good work in both us, to the day He calls each of us home.

So many friends, loved and cherished friends, have come forward offering help and support for the both of us. It brings me to tears seeing this, as God strips away my learned independence and ways of coping with the adversities in life. But God has a different plan; dependence on Him, and resting in Him. In Christ.

For the past month, this hymn has been running through my head non-stop. God is good!

"Great is Thy faithfulness, " O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.
"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
"Great is Thy faithfulness, " Lord, unto me!
Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
"Great is Thy faithfulness, " Lord, unto me!
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
"Great is Thy faithfulness, " Lord, unto me!

- William Marion Runyan (1870-1957)

Recent Photos

Dec 5, 2020 - My bride is home and we're at her favorite place. What a blessing!

Dec 6, 2020 - Grandma with her three favorite grandchildren. Happy lunch, happy bunch!

Dec 7, 2020 - Sarah, Nancy and I go out for a walk

Dec 7, 2020 - Carolyn and Nancy share a few moments

Braids

Dec 4, 2020 - The comfort of Max and Buddy can be immeasurable sometimes. 

I have 34 stitches mending a nine inch incision on my head, lovingly described to look like a Rawlings baseball and a Frankenstein monster. I'm readjusting pillows throughout the night attempting to comfort my black lace braids, and yet I'm in denial.

Recent Photos

Dec 2, 2020 - A sunny day, hot coffee from home, and my beautiful, smiling gal.

Dec 3, 2020 - A cat nap in her 12th floor room before heading home

Dec 3, 2020 - Nancy decides to "Choose joy!"

Dec 4, 2020 - What a great coffee morning together, and it's already past 10:30

Recovery Room Yoga

An hour and a half after surgery, Nancy is revved up and instigating chaos in the recovery room

The Lion pose, after eight and a half hours of tubes in my mouth, feels so good on my clenched jaw. And two days later, after the nurse turned off my fall alarm, the Cat and Cow poses were my only escape from the trap of my hospital bed.

Now that I'm home and can start working on balance, I need to relearn each of the poses like they are the first time, because my left side still isn't on the matrix. Lots to relearn!

This is another example of how God orchestrates all things in life to have a foundation full of tools to meet the next challenge with Him. God is good.

All the small things really do matter.

Thank you Adriene!

Holding Me

Before surgery, I prayed for some kind of visual of Jesus holding me during the surgery. I came to ask one of the nurses her name; her first and last names were the names of two of my very special friends. It was then that I saw my one friend's compassionate brown eyes, then felt my other friend's enduring support. The nurse's job at the time was to comfort me until I went under. 

God orchestrates the details!

Recent Photos

Nov 27, 2020 - Late at night, Tim, Buddy and I struggle with the difficult news about Mom.

First Things First

 All things may not seem to reconcile. Listen. You do not need them to reconcile.

The Bittersweet

Nov 25, 2020 - The grade 4 glioblastoma multiforme tumor, the cancer Nancy named "Bittersweet"

On Wednesday, November 25, I was diagnosed with a terminal grade 4 glioblastoma multiforme tumor, a very aggressive brain tumor. The 8.5 hour brain surgery was completed on Monday, November 30, at Froedtert & Medical College of Wisconsin, Milwaukee. The surgeons were able to remove much of the tumor, however, some of the cancer remains "in some valuable real estate", said Dr. Wade Mueller. In mid December, I will begin chemotherapy and radiation treatments for about one year. 

While this is very sad news, my hope is to use this remaining time to share my faith in Jesus Christ, and allow others to come with me on this journey as we experience the realities of life and death. As you all know, I love sharing deeply of myself, so lean in and experience as much of this with me as you like. Ask questions and share anytime.