Bucket List

I’ve always been a fan of the bucket list. Before brain cancer, putting something on a bucket list was more of making a commitment to a tradition, like reading a story at every Christmas. But today brought a new perspective, with a new bittersweet I didn’t foresee.

With excited intention, I put two things on my bucket list to do this weekend with Des, Auggie, and Isla. As I look forward to the time we will share together, one item on the list is reading Twas the Night Before Christmas. I searched and found three copies of this little book in my collection, confirming the importance of this story in my own tradition of celebrating Christmas. I fell in love with this story and memorized it as a child. Now I want to share my love for these words and rhythm, along with many other things about this story, with my most cherished people.

Tonight, we joined our voices in reading the story, exploring the words as I shook my belly “like a bowl full of jelly”. We had a delightful time together, and the sweetness of this moment filled my heart and soul. Tonight, I choose to be thankful and savor the sweetness of this time I shared with the kids. I wonder what Ken, Andrew and Tim heard while listening in from the next room. I wonder what their memory of this will be.

Later, as Ken and I lay in bed saying good night, he asked me how my day was. Bam! Reality hit with a flood of bitter sadness. Unable to sleep through my lonely sobbing, at 1:30 AM I sat at the kitchen table, freezing cold, with sore, dry eyes writing this. I choose to be honest and savor the bitter reality that it may not happen again next year.

I pray, "God, how do I do this well?".

Tomorrow I want to make more memories with the grandchildren as we recreate the scene from Luke chapter 2 of the first nativity. I want to share how much these figures, the men, the camels and sheep, and of Mary and Joseph, and Baby Jesus, all mean to me.

This nativity set, which my dear mom and I painted together for sixteen weeks, when I was in middle school, carries the simplicity of eternal perspective that is my most cherished value. Ken later added a beautiful wood stable at a time of wonderful memories when Andrew was just a toddler. 

So while we unpack, and arrange, and rearrange the pieces, I want to hear all of their thoughts and questions about the meaning of Christmas. I want to hear them think, and ponder, and explore!

Grieving the bittersweet is changing me every day. What do I feel? Sadness, and thankfulness, but resolve. It's time to check that off the bucket list. That may have been it, a one time deal. I may not get to do that again next Christmas. Now, I hope I can get some sleep.

"But I heard him exclaim

As he drove out of sight

Happy Christmas to all

And to all a goodnight."

Clement Clarke Moore, The Night Before Christmas

Dec 20, 2020 - Nancy, Auggie, Isla, and Des set up the Christmas Nativity