God Alone

To understand where you are, understand where you've been. History can be the most effective teacher.

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me." - Revelation 3:20. 

God 

When I was just a young boy around three years old, our family of four went to the Christmas Eve Service at the Old North Church in Boston. Inside, I noticed a man behind the pulpit who was reverently dressed in special garb, and the words he spoke, though I didn't comprehend them, seemed of utmost importance to those attending, as I saw the stillness of attention given him by everyone there. I heard him speak, "God is...", "God is...". In this, God spoke gently to my heart, letting me know He was there, letting me know His name, and letting me know He was waiting for me.

As I sat quietly in the church pew, soaking in all the sights, sounds, the Christmas time and old-building fragrances around me, I noticed a book, a special book this reverent man was holding. I saw this was a very special book; he was holding it with both hands against his chest. This book seemed to be the center of attention to all attending. And there next to me was another book just like his. It was covered in old leather and had two golden words, faded and worn, written on the cover. I wasn't sure what it said, but I carefully studied their calligraphic shapes.

The summer before I began 4th grade, God knocked again while finishing our fifth move. From Cochituate, to Framingham, Massachusetts, then to Los Angeles, then Cleveland, and back again to Acton, Massachusetts. As my father and I were unpacking his many boxes of books and placing his books in the living room bookshelves, one book, a small, leather covered one I removed from the box drew my attention. It was the same book I had seen for years on his bookshelf, but never took such notice. And it looked so similar to the one at Old North Church years ago.

As I handed this book to dad, I asked him, "What is this book?". My father was a brilliant man, both college educated and a self-taught intellectual. As time passed, I thought my father knew just about everything because of the way he spoke, and the way he provided such detail on whatever the subject matter was. To me, he was the smartest man I knew. But to my question, Dad answered, "That is called the Holy Bible, a history book about a man that lived a long time ago. Really just a history book.". 

My world suddenly became still and peaceful. In my mind, I watched a gap form between my father and me. A gap with wisdom, knowledge, and understanding on one side, and my father on the other side. These words, these words from my brilliant father, I felt in the deepest heart of mine were not true. God somehow spoke to me then, quietly knocking, reminding me He was here. This is God himself, the character of God revealed in this book, and my father, as smart as he was, can't see this. Why?

Alone

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD" - Jeremiah 29:11-14a

Some days later, my world again came to a stop, this time much more tangibly. My sister Sue and I were both called up to my parents bedroom. I saw the seriousness and felt the weight of gravity even before words were spoken. Then the words came. "Your mother and I are getting a divorce", said my father. Sue asked what this meant. They explained the coming separation and divorce to us, then told us to go outside. 

Sue and I went out to the backyard picnic table. As I sat on the bench trying to comprehend what just happened and how my world was about to drastically change, Sue was frantically pacing, crying, "What are we going to do?! Who's going to take care of us?!". As I sat there, I could hear mom and dad arguing. Sue was crying hysterically and was completely out of control. Dad was leaving, Mom was deeply distraught, and Sue was not capable of rational thought. It was then I realized, I am alone.

Feeling I was very alone, over time, I began making life-long commitments, believing no one is going to take care of me, so I have to take care of myself. I can trust no one to care for me. If something is going to be done about a situation, I will need to do it myself. I must be independent. And because my father always treated me and spoke to me as though I were stupid, I must be sure I never look stupid; I must be sure I am right by thoroughly investigating the facts. These, and many more life commitments shaped me for the next 47 years.

Many life situations proved these commitments were necessary for my survival. Snowmobile riding with a "friend" on a sub-zero day and dumped in a farm field only to walk home over a mile through 2 to 3 feet of snow. Then as a young teenager, molested by Tom, my neighbor and Big Brother program "dad" and no one doing anything about it. Having my leg broken by a reckless kid, leading to two surgeries and a year in a cast, among many other stories.

In 1976, after a severe car accident, I was invited to hear Nicky Cruz at St Lawrence Stadium in Appleton, Wisconsin. At this very broken time of my life, God drew me to himself and showed me my need for Him. I accepted God's forgiveness for my sin through the death and resurrection of his son, Jesus Christ. I became a born again Christian. My life didn't change much and I still felt very alone, but now God was inside the door.

Years later, as a cop, I was left alone on a traffic stop with five suspects, three warrants, and handgun ammo on the left rear passenger floor. Left alone because my assisting officer didn't know his search and seizure doctrine and disagreed with me searching the entire car for a handgun, so he left the scene. Many situations of my life in jeopardy made for thick callouses to build.

One day at a plane crash, I found myself very alone. Helpless to get a conscious woman in the back seat out of the burning plane, she and I had a brief moment together before the consuming fire took hold. I found I could not turn my back and leave her there alone to face what was quickly coming, her death. We looked at each other, then I watched her life, and the lives of the other two, ending. Many more death investigations, and many other violent incidents were yet to come. My life commitments to trust no one, and to make my own way, were now failing me and leaving me desperately alone.

For the next 19 years, PTSD, depression, and difficulty with relationships were the norm, and then I started drinking. I struggled to maintain control, but all the good intentions I had failed. In direct violation of my own life-long commitments, I was not in control. In 2016, I contracted Lyme disease at work, and the severe pain, fatigue, and memory/cognitive issues lead me to retire. One shotgun suicide and two drownings at work pushed my PTSD and depression to a head, which led to four months of inpatient treatment in a PTSD hospital unit. It was a time of deepening trouble, still spiraling downward, just like my marriage, having been in crisis for years, but now in danger of ending.

God Alone

September of 2019, God knocked on my door again, but this time sent a Vietnam combat veteran with PTSD to come have a chat with me. Long story short, God used this humble veteran and retired pastor to gently show me my self, my sin, and God's grace. My marvelous God, my Lord and Savior Christ Jesus, and His comforting Holy Spirit began a work in my life, drawing me to Himself, bringing healing to my life, and to our marriage. I gave God my drinking and He removed it from me, instantly; God's hand at work, in me. 

Through this, I came to the knowledge and understanding that I am never alone, because God's Holy Spirit indwells me and keeps me. I now know, I truly am never alone. God is with me, always, and He will never leave me or forsake me! God, alone.

Alone with God

And now God is bringing Nancy and I to a new place, with new experiences to share, and emotions of unexplored depth. Later, and all too soon, Nancy will go on as God calls her home. Then I will be alone. Having learned a very profound lesson about being alone, taught in such a way that only God can orchestrate, I know God is always with me as Nancy and I continue our walk on this bittersweet journey. Alone, with God.

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Recent Photos

Dec 17, 2020 - Carolyn came over for a hug and a little fellowship. Love you, Carolyn!

Dec 17, 2020 - Julie brought over sweet potato shepherds pie wearing red cowboy boots! (Julie was wearing the boots, not the shepherds pie) Sweet!