From Kat

God's tapestry of abundant care for us is revealed in many ways. The notes and stories sent to me are certainly part of this. The comments from this gal I met when we moved to Oostburg in 2014 gave me clarity on something I have been mulling over for 18 months.

“Oh, Nancy, you beautiful woman! As I've been painting a chair with the theme Embrace Change, I've thought of you and prayed for you so often. As I painted caterpillars, I've thought of how they adapt to each instar or change, shedding a skin that is too small for what they will become. And then they stop eating and anchor themselves to something stronger than they are...and they shed everything they have known before and rest in what they are becoming. And then that day comes when they emerge as glorious butterflies, able to soar instead of crawl. And you will soar!”  -- Kat

In September 2019 I felt like the word transformation was going to be a big part of my life. I wrote it on my bathroom mirror, right under the heading Eternal Perspective, and pondered these words for days and weeks. The subtleties of the transformation process fill my thoughts, like watching the ever-present monarchs through their long life cycle in my yard. From the fragrant blossoming of the milkweeds, to the vulnerable laying of the colorful caterpillars on the milkweed leaves, their transformation is an important part of my summer. I make wooden signs and pound them along the roadside, asking the township to call my roadside a  “No Mow” zone. Turns out, they have similar concerns and honor my request, and for our entire road.

I think about the pain in the process. The wriggling. The unknown. The loss. And now, as I am letting go with my heart and my hands, freer than ever before, I am more excited about each day. I never had to be in control. I never had to worry. I can just trust in Him. He is in control. It is His Power at work.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,
according to his power that is at work within us.  -- Ephesians 3:20 NIV

Artwork and photo by Kat Wynveen

Word: Peace

Today, my intention is to rest in the “peace that passes all understanding” (Philippians 4:7). 

The last several days have been very difficult and emotionally stormy as I watch my parents grieve the loss of their daughter and my sister, precious Judy. As the upheaval intensifies, Mom and Dad face the reality of losing a second daughter, me, to my GBM brain cancer I named “Bittersweet”. I see Mom and Dad doing their best, holding fast as they weather these raging storms together, storms that batter their innermost being. But through this, I see God setting the anchor of their faith deep into God’s love for us. These storms, and the pain they bring, seem unbearable, but we don’t bear these storms alone. These are God’s storms.

Another raging storm is having to watch Ken deal with the pain of losing me.

Ken, I want to make your pain stop, but I know I cannot make it stop. I know I should not try to make your pain stop because I know that God is lovingly using these circumstances and these most difficult situations to work in both of our hearts. I continue to trust that He is using this pain for a higher purpose in each of us. 

A year ago, through very challenging personal circumstances, God gently pricked my heart with an awareness, something that He used to shine light and healing into some very deep corners of my heart. My codependency wants to kick in during these difficult times, but God has brought a new depth of understanding, and faith in His work, to free me from this life-long struggle. 

As these storms come and go, I continue to trust that He created me for purposes beyond my own limited understanding, and from this vantage, I trust that He is God, and I am not. Here, God speaks peace to my heart.

Psalm 139 - "You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand when I awake, I am still with you. If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty! They speak of you with evil intent; our adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

I love to personalize these verses from Philippians and Proverbs.

So I will rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  I will let my gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. I will not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, I will present my requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:4-7

I will trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding; in all my ways I submit to Him, and He will make my path straight. - Proverbs 3:5-6

This is where I find peace. 

Recent Photos

Dec 27, 2020 - Nancy, Alison, and Barb (NAB) for cake and coffee, and water ;-).

Dec 26, 2020 - Andrew, Sarah and Tim join us for Christmas weekend.

Dec 4, 2020 - Deb, Lauri, Glenn, Ken, Jean, Nancy

Word: Opportunity

This one is going to be a little blunt so have a seat or read it tomorrow if you're feeling fragile. 

For my age group of 51 to 60 years, the average survival time after being diagnosed with a GBM brain tumor is 12 months. For all age groups combined, 25 people out of 100 live 15 months; 4 in 100 live five or more years. These statistics are difficult, but necessary to embrace in order to stay on the informed side of reality and “number my days that I may have a heart of wisdom” (Psalm 90:12).

So while I was caring for my sister Judy in November, her final days of dealing with the pain of her cancer, I cried to God, “Why Judy? Why, God, would you allow this to happen?” But somehow God moved me from “cancer sucks” to seeing God forging an opportunity. This opportunity is two-fold; to watch God work through Judy’s cancer, and second, to acknowledge that God is at work in the lives of family and friends. Although she struggled with having no choice, Judy realized that cancer was God's way of calling her home, her time to go to heaven.

Odds are this cancer is also my two-fold opportunity; to watch God continue orchestrating in the lives of all the people I love and care about so dearly, and second, my opportunity to pass from life as we know it, and move into eternity. While Ken and I are spending our time together, we live each day to the fullest, enjoying the new pace, following the recommended therapies and treatments, and unfolding our story to share with you. I plan to make the most of every opportunity and not limit what God is doing.

smad

Dec 5, 2020 - Grandchildren August, Isla, and Desmond hang the Christmas wreath on the woodshed

I got the best gift from August Henry. He made up a word for me.

smad

verb

Being both sad and mad. 

"I'm so smad about this cancer nonsense!"

Origin: Oostburg, Wisconsin by August Henry Severn

 Names and photo used with permission

Word: Honesty

Words are sacred and holy. Words are one of God's ways to gently prick our hearts and trickle light and healing into every corner of our hearts. Each day I choose one word to represent my intention for that day. Over the past year, this practice has brought amazing focus to my life. 

I have a need to push aside the curtain of denial and use honesty to face my reality, a little at a time.

As Ken grocery shops at Piggly Wiggly, I sit in the car and wait, too tired to join him. Ken left the car running to keep me warm. After five minutes, I turned the car off so I wouldn't waste gas. As I continue to wait, the car begins to get cold and the clock seems to slow. Here I sit, unable to do something as simple as restart the car, then wonder if I will ever drive again. That seems like a bitter thought, but I feel emotionless about it right now.

While I wait, I evaluate each person I see and compare my longevity to theirs. I watch all the busy people coming and going in their cars, enjoying things while striving to stay alive. This is as it should be; life is meant to be enjoyed. That older man, buying two cases of Coke, has lived longer than I have. That lady is about the same age as me, and that stern-looking woman is a little older. 

A little boy riding in a shopping cart delights in the flash of tail lights on the car. His young mother gets to enjoy all the coming years of being a mom, the years I cherish so much in my life. By her reaction to his little star-hand reaching out, I can tell she is on track for many happy days to come. I hope I get to see my daughter's children. She's going to be an amazing mother.

Then I see my dear friend dropping off a package at the UPS Store, probably for her son who is now at Fort Benning. His Turning Blue ceremony is this week, having completed the Advanced Infantry Training. He's dating a gem of a girl from high school, a girl I've adored for many years. I'm so happy for them. I wonder if I'll make it to his wedding some day. 

Though all this feels a little bleak and gray, my intention is to be honest today. Here's the bitter truth. As I watch, I peacefully accept that I've had 58 blessed years on God's green earth and I will not be growing old here. Yet, I feel so young and full of life, with no concern of what the mirror says. Besides, as everyone knows, I have many pranks yet to bless others with. That's the bitter truth, and to be honest, that's what is sweet.

First Things First

 All things may not seem to reconcile. Listen. You do not need them to reconcile.