God's tapestry of abundant care for us is revealed in many ways. The notes and stories sent to me are certainly part of this. The following letters are from my amazing niece, Isabel, written in early November when she learned that Aunt Judy had cancer. I love her confident faith and her solid eternal perspective!
Today, my intention is to rest in the “peace that passes all understanding” (Philippians 4:7).
The last several days have been very difficult and emotionally stormy as I watch my parents grieve the loss of their daughter and my sister, precious Judy. As the upheaval intensifies, Mom and Dad face the reality of losing a second daughter, me, to my GBM brain cancer I named “Bittersweet”. I see Mom and Dad doing their best, holding fast as they weather these raging storms together, storms that batter their innermost being. But through this, I see God setting the anchor of their faith deep into God’s love for us. These storms, and the pain they bring, seem unbearable, but we don’t bear these storms alone. These are God’s storms.
Another raging storm is having to watch Ken deal with the pain of losing me.
Ken, I want to make your pain stop, but I know I cannot make it stop. I know I should not try to make your pain stop because I know that God is lovingly using these circumstances and these most difficult situations to work in both of our hearts. I continue to trust that He is using this pain for a higher purpose in each of us.
A year ago, through very challenging personal circumstances, God gently pricked my heart with an awareness, something that He used to shine light and healing into some very deep corners of my heart. My codependency wants to kick in during these difficult times, but God has brought a new depth of understanding, and faith in His work, to free me from this life-long struggle.
As these storms come and go, I continue to trust that He created me for purposes beyond my own limited understanding, and from this vantage, I trust that He is God, and I am not. Here, God speaks peace to my heart.
Psalm 139 - "You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand when I awake, I am still with you. If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty! They speak of you with evil intent; our adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
I love to personalize these verses from Philippians and Proverbs.
So I will rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! I will let my gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. I will not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, I will present my requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:4-7
I will trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding; in all my ways I submit to Him, and He will make my path straight. - Proverbs 3:5-6
This is where I find peace.
 |
| Dec 27, 2020 - Nancy, Alison, and Barb (NAB) for cake and coffee, and water ;-). |
 |
| Dec 26, 2020 - Andrew, Sarah and Tim join us for Christmas weekend. |
 |
| Dec 4, 2020 - Deb, Lauri, Glenn, Ken, Jean, Nancy |
This day should be my sister Judy's 65th birthday. This day, there is love and there is loss. I want to see Judy’s birthday wish list on her fridge. I want to see her quirky broken fingers. I want to hear what kind of cake she is having. I don’t want to feel the loss.
We celebrate Judy on her birthday, wherever we are in the country, with a newly created tradition to howl at the moon at 8:00 pm, Omro time. I hope my inner being doesn’t rip to pieces as I howl on my front porch and feel the pain and loss of my beautiful sister, but I will choose to trust God.
As I sit in my front-row seat, I watch God’s orchestration and know that in the musical score, accidentals are not. He conducts the masterpiece of the ages that tie all of us together in the experience of life. I embrace this part of the piece, though it is bitter, and I feel smad. I want another birthday with Judy, and I want another year to make sure her birthday doesn’t get lost in the Christmas rush.
Let me give you a little background about Judy's personal story of faith in Christ. Judy was pretty private, so I wonder how many people she has shared this with. If it weren't for our annual Ladies Retreats and weekends away, I probably never would have even asked her.
As children, our parents faithfully traipsed the six of us to church every week. Here, surrounded by loving volunteer teachers and lively kids praise songs, we learned about God, the Creator of heaven and earth. Judy told me that in a little Sunday school classroom she heard the story of Jesus dying on the cross for our sins and personally owned up that she needed a savior. In her pragmatic way, she became a committed believer in her elementary years.
This summer, Judy asked if she and I could start doing a daily devotional together on the YouVersion Bible app because she was really struggling with the pandemic. Over many weeks, and many different studies, she shared some realizations that I want to write about because, although we lost Judy, we can still honor her voice.
In August, as the pain of Judy’s broken vertebra took our attention off of comfort, and increased our attention on the eternal, she wrote:
"I guess I have been rejected by the world of healthy bodies. Apparently, God needs me to experience that. I tend to put too much importance on my comfort. For instance, I just had things all set - retired, empty nest, money to travel, house to come home to. I thought I was also serving... Sunday School, Trustees, attending church kids events, helping with grandkids, following up on several people who need support, etc. Apparently, I am not seeing the big picture. God has my attention now! Lead me through this!”
As she tried to find some relief from her constant pain with different braces for her spine, she personalized the verse in Deuteronomy leaning into the brace to give her strength and courage.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” - Deuteronomy 31:6
Judy’s cancer diagnosis came in September. As we worked through a devotional about heaven, she had an “aha moment” about how pragmatic she has been. She wrote:
"You know, I cannot remember a time when I did not feel God's love and acceptance. All the promises and the list of affirmations have always been so obvious to me - like saying the sky is blue. I have just started to realize that it is not that way for everyone. So, I have had this amazing gift for decades. Now I am starting to feel like I was supposed to be doing something more with that. Listening…”
She liked to wait on God and see how He would answer her questions. She was regrettably convinced that she should have used more words to share her faith with her family.
“It’s a bit scary. God has me where he wants me, so I had better get about doing the work I agreed to do!”
I agreed with her. “May God use every bit of your pain to influence others to trust Him more! In the same way that He has your attention, He has others' attention. We are all asking questions. May we all find answers that give us eternal hope and peace.”, I said. Little did I know, I too would soon be walking down this same path, and hopefully following her example of accepting God’s plan, with grace.
She realized the simplicity of trusting in Him as she wrote,
“God does not want more from us, he wants more for us - he wants us to benefit from His presence more.”
When she took her last breath, she was surrounded by family that raised up a cheer as she made her way into the presence of the Lord!
So I wonder, how is it that I made a record of the beautiful thoughts Judy expressed from her heart, saved on a document that I can share, to honor Judy's precious voice. Is that God’s orchestration? What an amazing gift.
Happy birthday dear Judy, happy birthday to you!
 |
| Oct 17, 2020 - Lauri, Judy, and Nancy |
I’ve always been a fan of the bucket list. Before brain cancer, putting something on a bucket list was more of making a commitment to a tradition, like reading a story at every Christmas. But today brought a new perspective, with a new bittersweet I didn’t foresee.
With excited intention, I put two things on my bucket list to do this weekend with Des, Auggie, and Isla. As I look forward to the time we will share together, one item on the list is reading Twas the Night Before Christmas. I searched and found three copies of this little book in my collection, confirming the importance of this story in my own tradition of celebrating Christmas. I fell in love with this story and memorized it as a child. Now I want to share my love for these words and rhythm, along with many other things about this story, with my most cherished people.
Tonight, we joined our voices in reading the story, exploring the words as I shook my belly “like a bowl full of jelly”. We had a delightful time together, and the sweetness of this moment filled my heart and soul. Tonight, I choose to be thankful and savor the sweetness of this time I shared with the kids. I wonder what Ken, Andrew and Tim heard while listening in from the next room. I wonder what their memory of this will be.
Later, as Ken and I lay in bed saying good night, he asked me how my day was. Bam! Reality hit with a flood of bitter sadness. Unable to sleep through my lonely sobbing, at 1:30 AM I sat at the kitchen table, freezing cold, with sore, dry eyes writing this. I choose to be honest and savor the bitter reality that it may not happen again next year.
I pray, "God, how do I do this well?".
Tomorrow I want to make more memories with the grandchildren as we recreate the scene from Luke chapter 2 of the first nativity. I want to share how much these figures, the men, the camels and sheep, and of Mary and Joseph, and Baby Jesus, all mean to me.
This nativity set, which my dear mom and I painted together for sixteen weeks, when I was in middle school, carries the simplicity of eternal perspective that is my most cherished value. Ken later added a beautiful wood stable at a time of wonderful memories when Andrew was just a toddler.
So while we unpack, and arrange, and rearrange the pieces, I want to hear all of their thoughts and questions about the meaning of Christmas. I want to hear them think, and ponder, and explore!
Grieving the bittersweet is changing me every day. What do I feel? Sadness, and thankfulness, but resolve. It's time to check that off the bucket list. That may have been it, a one time deal. I may not get to do that again next Christmas. Now, I hope I can get some sleep.
"But I heard him exclaim
As he drove out of sight
Happy Christmas to all
And to all a goodnight."
Clement Clarke Moore, The Night Before Christmas
 |
| Dec 20, 2020 - Nancy, Auggie, Isla, and Des set up the Christmas Nativity |
 |
| Dec 5, 2020 - Grandchildren August, Isla, and Desmond hang the Christmas wreath on the woodshed |
smad
verb
Being both sad and mad.
"I'm so smad about this cancer nonsense!"
Origin: Oostburg, Wisconsin by August Henry Severn
Names and photo used with permission