Metamorphosis

Hiking on Christmas day 2022 in Marshall Gulch on Mt. Lemmon, northeast of Tucson, Arizona

As 2020 began, a somewhat normal life began to turn upside down and inside out, to say the least. As events unfolded, much of the chaff of life began to burn away, and what remains are the things that truly matter insofar as the degree of heat endured. To say this has been a trying time would hardly convey the magnitude of the inner processes of loss, grief, and personal growth. 

From March of 2020 and on, family members Susan (sister), Judy (sister-in-law), Nancy (wife), Doris (mother), Glenn (father-in-law), and Jean (mother-in-law) have passed away. This was preceded by the death of my father, William, in July of 2016. November 25, 2020, Nancy was diagnosed with terminal GBM brain cancer from which she passed June 19, 2021. As high school sweethearts, we were married for 38 years and 15 days. Needless to say, it's been a very difficult time of loss.

As the second anniversary of Nancy's passing nears, much has been learned. The understanding of being human has significantly widened in scope, depth of field, brilliance of color, and sharpness of focus. For many years, I trained other LEO's that you must "divorce yourself from emotion in order to survive". While that may be true as a cop, that is no way to live one's personal life. Thanks be to God for Nancy, that she never left me. And as providence would have it, the meaning of the name Nancy is, "full of grace". 

Thank you, my Lord Jesus, for Nancy, a beautiful woman of grace and love that you placed in my life as glimpse of Your grace and love personified as my very best friend ever.

Nancy's "favorite place", the beach at our former Oostburg home. It's no wonder this was her favorite place.

Nancy and I long dreamed of travelling the USA after her anticipated retirement in 2022. We talked about visiting all the National Parks, all of Wisconsin's state parks, and all 50 of these United States. We dreamed of visiting our four children for extended times, from nearby campgrounds, like neighbors, making ourselves available without being a burden to their daily life. Some of those things didn't quite work out the way we planned.

Since then, and over the last two years, I have spent about eleven months travelling and living out of the little Flyer Chase camper we bought after Nancy finished her chemo and radiation. From necessity, many alterations have been made to the camper making it capable of going anywhere for any length of time without the need to plug in to shore power or continuously get ice for a cooler. With a propane stove, 12v refrigerator/freezer, ducted propane heat, 200Ah battery with 200 watt solar, storage space enough for a single guy, and a twin size mattress, it has been a comfortable place to live while doing what Nancy and I desired to do for so long.

My first home-away-from-home parked at the RV park near Tucson

Now approaching the second anniversary of Nancy's passing, another transition is beginning to take place. Having sold our Oostburg home by Lake Michigan in late 2021 and moving to a small condo downtown, locking the door and leaving for extended times without the worry of frozen pipes or plowing snow has been a tremendous blessing. But now it's time to continue with the longer-term desire to travel the country and visit with the kids and grand-kids. 

The little camper is being replaced with a larger unit much better suited to for long-term living, a 23' Airstream Flying Cloud. I greatly look forward to "moving in" and getting ready for some near-home adventures to make sure all the bugs are worked out before this coming winter's migration to the southwest again.

inside the twin-bed Flying Cloud 23FBT

Now comes the task of - again - downsizing and reducing "stuff" to only what is needed. This time my approach is from the perspective Nancy and I talked about years ago. Start with nothing, then go "shopping" in my home for what is really needed. The rest is just stuff. I have so many wonderful memories to reminisce, which is far better than a house full of stuff to worry about keeping safe. Living without worry, in the present moment, making new memories with family and friends, and continuing to learn to be content without Nancy, as long as the Lord give me breath. Praise the Lord!

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.  -- Philippians 4:4-9

Sometime around September, 2020 this hymn began playing non-stop in my head. No matter what I did, there it was playing over and over again for several months. A few days after we learned of Nancy's brain cancer diagnosis, this hymn and a very peaceful feeling kept pouring over me as the song continued to play. For some reason I told Nancy about it while we were in her ICU hospital room. Nancy asked me how long this has been happening, then she said, "Me too!" We both cried deeply. 

Thanks be to our Lord Jesus Christ for his grace and mercy as he was preparing both of us for what was about to unfold. Now I hear these words ring so much more clearly as I read them. I pray that they bless you too. 

It Is Well With My Soul

When peace like a river attendeth my way

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come

Let this blest assurance control

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate

And has shed His own blood for my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought

My sin, not in part, but the whole

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll

The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend

Even so, it is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

written by: Horatio G. Spafford

There is a Season

Yesterday, our children, grand children, and a number of special friends spanning 40 years, all gathered at the shore of Lake Michigan, the place Nancy and I called "our beach". Guided by the arrangement Nancy provided before she passed, we sang together and read some passages. Then my family and I walked into the water with Nancy's remains. As we passed the container, from youngest to oldest, I watched each of our children holding the heavier-than-expected remains, silently saying a last goodbye to their mother. As I said a final goodbye to my loving bride, I placed her remains under the water, on the bottom of what Nancy called her favorite place ever, honoring her final request.

Having completed all that Nancy has asked of me, another season of life has come to a close. I thank my Heavenly Father for the time we had together, and for the continuing blessing of our four exceptional children, and their children. Through the lens of Romans 8:28-29, I have no regrets, and I am thankful for God's love and mercy poured out on us all. May I continue to follow and serve our Lord Jesus for all of my days as I start this new season in life. God is forever faithful.

What a privilege it is to write this on a most appropriate day, my birthday. My birth day.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die:
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted.
- Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

Word: Strength

In quietness and trust shall be your strength  -- Isaiah 30:15

My Mom

The morning of Saturday, September 11, my mother was at home in Plover when she had a major stroke. She subsequently passed away on Monday September 13 at 9:30 pm at the hospital in Oshkosh. I was able to be with her until about 7:30 pm, as she was comfortably on morphine and lorazepam, and her supplemental oxygen was removed. She passed 2 hours later.

I'll write more about the events that led up to this so you can see God's hand in it.

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. - Proverbs 16:9

God Works

My friend Dave and I kayaking the Chain O' Lakes near Waupaca.

I spent some time reading through my journal this morning, entries from January 2020 to November 28, 2020. In hindsight, it is amazing to see how God worked, carefully orchestrated in such great detail, the necessary intricacies He used to break us away from our fleshly lives and draw us to himself.

God doesn't want to bless "my life". He wants to bless me, the redeemed, the crucified me, and he clearly has been doing so. He uses our time here to prepare us for the time to come, to be with Him. 

Scripture clearly states this, but a trip through my journal is mind boggling, just to see each thread of the tapestry God is weaving, and through hindsight, to be able to walk around the other side and see what the front of the tapestry looks like! Amazing! 

Praise the Lord for His mercy and love for us!

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.  -  John 12:24

Aaarrrggghhh! Ahoy there, Matey! Shut your muffin, I'm the captain of this mighty tub! 

Learning to cook at Hartman Creek State Park, I made bacon wrapped pork tenderloin and corn on the cob. Delicious!

Conductor's Instruments

Does God know about our personal struggles, our family struggles, our social struggles, and are they of any concern to Him? Yes, He cares about our every need, and for this, we can be very thankful!

A flower once said to God, "I think I would rather have big red petals than these little purple ones." 

God answered the flower saying, "But I made you this way so you can attract the honey bees with your pollen. The honey bees will use your pollen to make honey. Then my people will taste the sweet honey and thank me for making such beautiful purple flowers, and for making the hard working honey bees with such sweet tasting honey, all from your pollen. And for this, you will be greatly admired."

An oak tree once said to God, "I think I would grow better if I wasn't so crowded in by these other trees in the forest." 

God answered the oak tree. "But I have great plans for you. Plans to prosper you and have you in a very special place. I need you to be cramped in for now so you will reach up for the sunlight and grow very tall and straight. When you are finished, you will be used as a great and sturdy beam to hold up the roof of a fine church building where many people will gather to worship. You will be admired for your strength and your beauty. Until then, you can endure the crowded forest because you know I have great plans for you."

A woman I knew very well asked God, "Why me, Lord? Why do I have to die from brain cancer?"

God answered the woman.

Romans 8:28-29

28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

29 For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.

Philippians 4

4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 

5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 

6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 

7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 

9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

10 I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. 

11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 

12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 

13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Peace Like A River

David, of the Old Testament, would likely say one purpose of music is to bring the body, the soul, and the spirit together in unified communion with God, in praise and to celebrate His Holiness and His love for us. 

With music, we are able express our deepest thoughts and emotions, and as the Holy Spirit leads, reveal the character of God to those who He will. Such compositions are far greater than the sum of their parts. Some examples of this effect are found in some of the old hymns. Expressing astoundingly succinct doctrinal truths, songs such as It Is Well With My Soul truly speak volumes to me in times like this.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well, with my soul

It is well

With my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come

Let this blest assurance control

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate

And hath shed His own blood for my soul

It is well (it is well)

With my soul (with my soul)

It is well, it is well with my soul

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!

My sin, not in part but the whole

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, o my soul!

It is well (it is well)

With my soul (with my soul)

It is well, it is well with my soul

Present Moment Awareness

Moving forward in life without Nancy - my wife, companion, best friend, lover, mother of my children, confidant, the one with whom God paired me to hold hands with through life - I find myself in an almost constant dialogue with God. 

As I pour out my heart to Him, He speaks to me through His Word, through friends, through His creation, and through music. So many scriptures, so many songs, so many words of wisdom from men and women of God, and the peace and confidence of the ever-present, indwelling Holy Spirit guiding me to keep my eyes on my Lord, the Son of God, Christ Jesus. He knows my every need, and He knows best how to care for me. 

Matthew 6:25-34 tells us to seek Him first, and He will provide for all our needs. That's a fact. Taste and see, He is good! Oh, the wonderful Cross!

Wildflowers Nancy and I planted by the mailbox for all to enjoy. Beautiful!

Biking the Interurban Trail from Cedar Grove to Port Washington for lunch with Sarah and Tim.

I grilled two bacon wrapped pork cuts and some green beans.
These were pretty good, but I'll have to find Nancy's recipe for grilled green beans. Her's are the best!

I made some of Betty C's peanut butter cookies, but they're not even close to Nancy's "famous" recipe!

Camping without Nancy at Hartman Creek State Park brought many tears, but my life goes on. Praise the Lord!

I'm really good at making coffee and toasting cinnamon raisin English muffins! Praise the Lord!

This guy does not appear to be anxious about anything. Lesson learned. Praise the Lord!

45 Days

When only 45 days seems like forever, Jesus reminds us that all we need to deal with is today.

Aslan, by Kendall Payne

Don't stop your crying on my account

A frightening lion, no doubt

He's not safe, no He's not safe
Are you tempted now to run away?

The King above all Kings is coming down

But He won't say the words you wish that He would
Oh, He don't do the deeds you know that He could
He won't think the thoughts you think He should
But He is good, He is good

I know you're thirsty, the water is free
But I should warn you, it costs everything
Well, He's not fair, no He's not fair
When He fixes what's beyond repair
And graces everyone that don't deserve

But He won't say the words you wish that He would
Oh, He don't do the deeds you know that He could
He won't think the thoughts you think He should
But He is good, He is good

No one knows Him whom eyes never seen
No, I don't know Him but He knows me
He knows me, He knows me

Lay down your layers, shed off your skin
But without His incision, you can't enter in
He cuts deep, yeah He cuts deep
When the risk is great and the talk is cheap
But never leaves a wounded one behind

But He won't say the words you wish that He would
Oh, He don't do the deeds you know that He could
He won't think the thoughts you think He should
But He is good, He is good

Pray, by Kendall Payne

I will pray for you now, for you have been my faithful friends

While the road we walk is difficult indeed

I couldn't not ask for more than what you've already been

Only that you would say these prayers for me

May your heart break enough that compassion enters in

May your strength all be spent upon the weak

All the castles and crowns you build and place upon your head

May they all fall, come crashing down around your feet

May you find every step to be harder than the last

So your character grows greater each stride

May your company be of humble insignificance

May your weakness be your only source of pride

What you do unto others may it all be done to you

May you meet the One who made us

And see Him smile when life is through

May your blessings be many but not what you hoped they'd be

And when you look upon the broken

May mercy show you what you could not see

May you never be sure of any plans you desire

But you'd learn to trust the plan He has for you

May your passions be tried and tested in the holy fire

May you fight with all your life for what is true

I have prayed for you now all my dear and faithful friends

But what I wish is more than I could ever speak

As the way wanders on I'll long to see you once again

Until then, would you pray these prayers for me?

Oh, that you would pray for me

Well Done

A tiny memorial of Nancy on a beach stone at her favorite place, the beach at the end of our road.

Nancy Lou Severn, 58 of Oostburg, passed away early Saturday morning, June 19, 2021 at her home, surrounded by her family.

Nancy was born to Glenn and Jean (Schnell) Steinbrecher on January 26, 1963. She graduated from Oshkosh West High School in 1981.

Nancy was united in marriage to Kenneth Severn on June 4, 1983 in Oshkosh.

She was employed as a special education teachers’ aide at Plymouth and Cedar Grove-Belgium School districts.

Nancy enjoyed the Lake Michigan beach, paddle boarding, hiking, biking, but most importantly, investing in people and relationships, and living out her faith in Christ Jesus.

Nancy is survived by her husband of 38 years, Kenneth; children, Andrew, Timothy and Matthew (Malorie) Severn, and Sarah (Ross) Fale; grandchildren Desmond, August and Isla; parents, Glenn and Jean Steinbrecher; siblings, Deb, Susan, Brian, and Lauri; parents-in-law Doris and Robert Lowell; sister-in-law, Ruth; nieces, nephews, other relatives, and friends.

She was preceded in death by her sister Judy in November, 2020 and father-in-law William Severn.

Private family services will take place at a later date.

The Wenig Funeral Home – Oostburg is serving the Severn family. For more information or to leave online condolences, please visit Wenig Funeral Home .

- Nancy Severn's Legacy of Love - 
Ken, Matt, Andrew, Tim
Malorie, Nancy, Sarah (missing Ross Fale)
Desmond, Isla, August

To the prettiest, most gracious woman I ever met:

It was a privilege and a blessing to be your husband.

Thank you for sharing your life with me. I miss you dearly.

Journey Home

Nancy and I have been working on a draft for several weeks, but now things have changed, so I'll share what has been happening since April 21.

On May 6, we had a new MRI done and a consult with our oncologist. It was a bit discouraging hearing the cancer had shown some growth since the last MRI. We were advised to consider starting treatment with the drug Avastin as a "quality of life" measure, being aware that the drug does nothing for treating or inhibiting the cancer's growth. The more we read about the drug, the more we thought of the need to trust God and not limit Him. It just seemed out of character to put poison in Nancy's body to "improve quality of life", when that phrase can have different meanings to different people.

It is our belief, based on the facts clearly laid out in the Bible, quality of life begins with our relationship with Jesus and His work on the cross, His death, His resurrection, and the resulting restoration of relationship we can have with our Heavenly Father. Paul, with all the things he suffered, makes this abundantly clear. Solomon and Job talk about this, and David beautifully articulates many life thoughts and illustrations of this. My favorite and a most concise statement of this is found in Romans 8:28 where it says, "all things work together for the good, for those who love God and are called according to His purpose." Understanding this is foundational. Quality of life is having our Heavenly Father embrace us with His love and mercy as we trust in Him through all life's circumstances.

Some of April and the entire month of May was a time of waiting. Every week, Nancy's blood labs returned with flags indicating acute issues prohibiting her from continuing with round three of the monthly chemotherapy treatments. As we waited, Nancy continued to decline in function with left side proprioception, reading, speech, and general cognitive work. Why was this happening? What was God doing in all of this?

Then on Monday, May 31, Memorial Day, I took Nancy to the ER at Froedtert, thinking she may have had a minor stroke. A new CT scan was taken and no stroke was indicated, but after I saw the scan, I realized Nancy was in trouble. 

On June 2, we got a call from our oncologist who said after a review of the CT, the doctors feel there is no need to continue any chemotherapy or other treatments, and no follow-up MRI will be done. The evidence in the CT is sufficient to see there has been substantial change in the growth of the cancer, and there are no options left to consider. At this point, we were directed to seek palliative care and hospice.

The doctors found the following. 

She continues to decline clinically, despite chemotherapy and supportive measures to treat her GBM and left sided weakness/neglect.

Marked vasogenic edema on right parietal with likely disease recurrent at center with significant mass effect and MLS.

CT showed increased size of GBM, increased vasogenic edema, and new midline shift (right to left) of 9mm concerning for herniation.

The right frontoparietal GBM mass appears to have increased in size by at least 4mm since the study performed 4 weeks prior, now measuring 3.4cm.

 

Thursday, June 3, Sarah and Nancy near the beach. The two most beautiful women in the world!

On Friday, June 4, our 38th wedding anniversary, Nancy and I went out to breakfast with two of our dear friends, Michael and Carolyn. After breakfast, we met with two Sharon S. Richardson Hospice representatives at our home. After some paperwork, we planned to meet with a hospice nurse the following Monday at our home. We intended to stop at our local funeral home to gather some  information, but we were both too exhausted to go. Just the kinds of things most people do on their 38th wedding anniversary, right?

On Sunday, June 6, after tucking Nancy into bed, things took a significant turn for the worse. Since then, Nancy requires 24 hour care. Monday at noon, the hospice RN started Nancy on morphine to control the headache from the intracranial pressure. 

On Monday evening, a hospital bed was delivered. I put the bed in the living room so we can all be together, and Nancy can have a great view into the woods and watch the sun set to the west. 

Tuesday morning Nancy said to me in the most innocent voice, "I guess we get to spend one more day together." Since Tuesday evening, Nancy can no longer swallow, so she can no longer eat or drink. She cannot talk or move around on her own. She is now readying for her journey home to be with her Lord and Savior, Jesus and her Heavenly Father. 

Wednesday, June 9 was a day filled with family and friends supporting Nancy and family.

Things are much different now, and changing rapidly.

Tuesday, June 1 with Tyler & Amanda visited with their beautiful new daughter.
We have a special place in our hearts for this family!

Wednesday, June 2 my Mom and Dad visited. We had "juice burgers" from Leon's and spent some time at the beach.

Wednesday, June 2 Nancy can't walk down to the water anymore, so I carried her.
I think her face says it all!

Friday, June 4, our 38th wedding anniversary, we had breakfast with our dear friends Michael and Carolyn.
Now 38 years married to this amazing woman so full of grace!
Friday afternoon, we met with Sharon S. Richardson Hospice and set an appointment to meet the RN on Monday.

Saturday, June 5 the Ryan Baumann family felt lead to stop by while we were at the beach with our kids and grand kids. What a blessing!

Sunday June 6 the three of us went to Christopher Farm gardens for a SCCCF event.
We had a great day, but it seemed like Nancy knew something was wrong.
I knelt down to take this picture and tell her I loved her. She said, "Mmm, I know you do.".

Monday, June 7th Nancy is very happy to be in her new hospital bed in the living room

Nancy and "Pops" sharing their love for each other with hand squeezes

Nancy and her "Mum" looking forward to meeting up again soon

June 10, Pastor John praying with us

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